In struggling with my issues through the years, I swung wildly between being truly grateful for what I had, and asking out loud if my world could stop so I could get off. Faulkner Fox readily admits she, as I did, held that myth of what life would be like with a husband and child. A sunny, tidy home; mornings where your husband went off to work, while you fulfilled your dream of painting, writing or whatever you desired while your sweet-tempered child played quietly in the corner.
Once she "had it all", Fox
felt conflicted. That myth wasn't anywhere to be found, at
least not at her house. Where was the satisfaction? As
a result of her journey through new motherhood, she wrote this
brilliant book about what some of us feel, why we feel
it, and how we can move past those feelings.
This book is about real life that for some reason people are so
afraid to talk about. I laughed out loud when she describes a
chat with a neighbor after being up most of the night with her
newborn. To her neighbor's question "How is it being
home, enjoying a nice break from work?", she replied
"This is the hardest thing I've ever done, and my last job...involved death threats". It was clear she had
horrified her. But what was she supposed to say? She
hadn't slept, eaten or did any personal grooming in hours.
So as I read this book, those old familiar feelings started to surface. Why couldn't I lament the joys of parenthood with my neighbor? Do other women actually enjoy sleep deprivation? Were they so blindly thrilled with their newborn it didn't matter? What was wrong with me? Were they sugar coating, or am I just a wretched, awful excuse for a mother? Why was it I felt so compelled to work at home pursuing a new business? Couldn't I just be happy raising my children?
Fox struggles with the ideal of being completely selfless after having a child. She is well educated and had a dream - to write. Why should she suddenly abandon these dreams because she became a mother?
And, why was she was doing a majority of the work at home? The trials Fox and her professor husband endure are fascinating. While he pursued tenure at his university, Fox continued to pursue her dream of writing and wouldn't accept anything less. While the other professor's wives dutifully took on all the work at home, allowing their husbands to focus entirely on their careers (with a few getting divorced in the process), she still demanded her husband do his fair share. She was so angry at the inequality she created a chart of "Frequent Parenting Miles", a running count of child care hours, the surplus of which could be turned in for time off.
Now for those of you who could take a trip around the world with your miles, lets talk. Why is it, that many women work full time, just as men traditionally do, yet we take on the majority of the household duties as well? Why is it when a father has their children they are "watching them?" I get so sick of people telling me what a wooooonderful husband I have because he does things with his children. Is he not their father?
I can only surmise that we have been led to believe that if we complain, somehow that translates to either not being a good mother, or that we don't love our children as much as the woman with the perma-smile.
Fox then explores her difficulty creating friendships with other mothers. Personally, I have found this to be one of the more disappointing aspects of being a mother. Why do we judge each other so much? Stay-at-home moms versus working moms. Bottle versus breastfeeding. A popular woman's website actually has message boards devoted to these "debates" just so women can make each other feel bad. One woman Fox knew used a "yardstick" to "test" other women to see if they were friend-worthy. Breastfeeds - 10 points. Breastfeeds for more than one year - 20 points. Works part time - minus 5 points. eeeeeeeewwwwww.
These women who I enjoyed high school and college with were suddenly the enemy. I was paralyzed by the air of mistrust. For instance, if you are bottle feeding, could this mom you just met at the park be like a raving breastfeeding activist? Dare you whip out the bottle to nourish your hungry offspring? Fox talks about hanging out at the local McDonald's playland to escape the harrowing judgment in her neighborhood park. Surely no one who let their child eat and play at McDonalds could be that morally superior.
In the end, Fox learns to
live and thrive with her husband, her children & her
mother-friends. And she does it without sacrificing herself,
or her dreams.
Faulkner Fox has penned not
only a provocative, flawlessly written book, but an important one. Women
must bridge the gaps of inequality not only in the workplace,
but on the home-front as well.
About the Author: Faulkner Fox teaches creative writing at Duke University. She holds an MA in American Studies from Yale and a BA in literature from Harvard. She also has an MFA in poetry from Vermont College. She lives in Durham, North Carolina with her husband and two sons.
