Be Honest - You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve by Ian Kerner
The following is excerpted from Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either by Ian Kerner. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission from HarperCollins Publishers.

Men are jerks. We don’t call when we say we will. We lie. We cheat on our wives and our girlfriends. We leave the toilet seat up, and we engage in a host of clichéd behaviors that modern dating guides lay out in obvious terms so you can move on with your lives. Yes, some men are jerks. But you know that because you’ve dated us. And you’re smart enough to know that when a guy doesn’t call you, it means he’s not that into you.

But despite your intelligence, you’ve begun to operate on his terms. And who can blame you? Go on enough bad dates and your hopes of finding love are sure to diminish. You start to make adjustments, taking a realistic and pragmatic approach. You begin to settle. You know that frogs don’t turn into princes, so you lower your standards enough until it gets difficult to tell the two apart. Whether out of social pressure (combined with the perception that there are no good men left), or simply the dismal dating disappointments you continually face, you’ve lowered your standards - perhaps without even realizing it. But in doing so, you’ve forgotten that while he may be showing you that he’s not that into you, the truth is you were never really that into him in the first place. Be honest. You were with him while you were waiting for something better to come along. He wasn’t that great to begin with but he was better than nothing. Or was he?

You settled, and then you got stuck. Well, this book is going to help you get unstuck.

What makes me such an expert? Well, first off, I’m a man, so I am well qualified to write about male limitations (I need only look in the mirror). But in addition to my chromosomal makeup, I’m a sex therapist and I talk to women (and men) every day about their erotic and romantic issues. And what has struck me most over the past year or so is not the inability of women to read men’s all-too-clear signs of relative disinterest but women’s passive decisions to sleep with, date, and ultimately fall in love with men they never really liked in the first place.

Take, for instance, the “curious case of the girl in the elegant black dress.”

Last fall I was giving a talk at a singles event in lower Manhattan when a stunning thirty-one-year-old blond woman stood to ask a question. Tall, attractive, and well put together, she was the picture of feminine confidence: “I’m so fed up. I’m ready to be in a relationship but I date these guys and it’s like an episode of The Bachelor—in the back of your mind you know there are all these other beautiful women competing for him, and he knows you know that, and these days waiting to have sex until the third date is almost quaint, so next thing you know, you’re hooking up and wondering why he’s being so standoffish and . . .”

At this point a guy in the audience shouted, “Maybe he’s just not that into you,” echoing the mantra of a certain book with the same title that swept bestseller lists and caused quite a stir late last year.

A smattering of laughter ensued.

“Possibly,” she retorted. “But when I heard that title, you know what my first response was? ‘Guess what? I was never into you either!’ ” she shouted. “If I really stop to think about it, I’m getting hung up on men I never wanted in the first place. And all the women I know feel the same way. We’ve collectively lowered our standards without even realizing it.”

“So, then why are you dating these guys?” I asked.

She hesitated, then answered, “Because somehow it feels like I should be dating but there aren’t that many great choices out there. And I guess I’m caught in something I can’t get out of.”

She thought for another moment.

And, you know, because I like to sleep with men.”

Oh, yeah, that.

Now, I’m not out to question your right to have sex if you get lonely. Second-wave feminists fought for that right, and you were most likely born with it. It’s no longer about ensuring your right to pursue pleasure. It’s yours, sista, so use it as you see fit. But use it wisely. Think about how you wield that power and what the costs are of sleeping with guys you might not be that into. Trust me, he’s getting something out of the bargain, but what are you getting?

But there’s more to this than sex. Successful, attractive, empowered women are dating (and falling for) men who they know they’re not into. This is happening every day, from New York to San Francisco and even in Ohio. It has probably already happened to you.

Part of the problem is the dating marketplace. The world is full of sensational women (trust me, I see you all the time—I’m married, not dead) but there are too few men to go around, or so it appears, and you’re forced to settle. Are all the good ones taken? Of course not, but then again, they don’t seem to be hanging out on your doorstep either. So, you keep sleeping with the ones you’re not really into. But truth be told, it’s women’s sexually empowered behavior that’s helping create an army of men who’ve come to expect that and nothing more.

Then there are the pressures of the social marketplace. Settle down and have children, it seems to say. A family? That’s a great idea! You’ll get right on that, after you perfect cold fusion. But it’s easier said than done, especially when you cannot meet someone you want to see for a third date. And don’t you live in the world of third-wave feminism? Yes, but as modern as the world may seem, certain traditions still rule the day. The pressure to get married, however, may be leading you to make some bad choices.

And all of this is what keeps the dating treadmill spinning at such a fast and constant pace that you forget to notice that you’re not actually getting anywhere. You’ve been at this so long it seems like the reality is: Girl meets less-than-stellar guy, girl sleeps with less-than-stellar guy, and soon enough, girl is dating less-than-stellar guy. Repeat. You know the drill—you’re living it.

This book will not reduce men’s behaviors to a simple tagline. And it will not provide a neat and handy set of rules for you to follow. I’m giving you more credit than to assume you just need a rote list.

Instead, this book is designed to make you think about your actions and behaviors. That’s right, even though it might be momentarily liberating to think, “Hey, it’s not my fault it didn’t work out, he’s just not that into me,” it’s just not that simple. Life doesn’t let us off the hook so easily. And the idea that you are powerless to affect what a guy feels about you—that you might as well just be plucking the petals off of daisies (“he’s into me, he’s into me not”) is part of the process of lowering your standards, abdicating responsibility for your actions, and accepting defeat.

There is no “right” or “wrong”; guys are not either “into you” or “not into you.” The world is complex, and in the pages that follow, I’ll outline a set of practical insights that will, I hope, help improve your love life. Based on my own experiences as a practicing sex therapist, current clinical studies, and a multitude of conversations I’ve had with men and women across the country, this book will help you become a little more honest with yourself and realize that you’re the one who’s not that into him. To achieve this, I’ve broken the book into three major parts, each addressing the ways in which women lower their standards. The goal of the book is to get you thinking and to pave the way for action, change, and the discovery of the love you want. To emphasize these points, each chapter concludes with two wrap-up sections. The first is called “Be Honest,” and it functions as a two A.M. phone call from your best friend, the voice of reality. The second section, “Raise and Reach,” provides some ideas on how to raise your standards and reach for the love you deserve.

When it comes to life, take the “you can’t fire me because I quit” approach. He may not be that into you but, like the woman in black, it’s worth remembering, “Guess what, guys? We’re not that into you either!”

Stop lowering your standards, and start reaching for love! That may be easy for me to say and harder for you to do, but the first step is the realization that you’re just not that into him. Action and reward will follow recognition.

Now, let’s get going! 

About the author:   Ian Kerner, Ph.D., is quickly becoming the hottest, hippest sex expert of our time, appearing frequently on Today, on the radio with Howard Stern, on the pages of Cosmo, Maxim, and Men's Health, and dispensing dating advice for LIfetimeTV. His weekly sex advice column appears on eDiets. A Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Brandeis University, Kerner lives with his wife and child in New York City.